As much as Chelsea (Aimee Lou Wood) and Victoria Ratliff (Parker Posey) deserve the praise they’ve received throughout season three of HBO‘s The White Lotus, the series’ most famous and beloved character is still none other than Tanya McQuoid. Jennifer Coolidge plays her perfectly, from the moment she tells the hotel personnel in Hawaii that she needs a massage to her final, unforgettable moments on the show. There is a disorganized spaciness to this extremely wealthy woman that could often puzzle those around her. Of all three characters who were in more than one season, Tanya was the most consistently compelling.
Tanya’s comedic timing made her a memorable character from the get-go, and her lack of self-awareness also made her an excellent target for satire. So, when assessing her best quotes, these are a few things to look out for. However, there is another, deeper element to Ms. McQuoid that actually makes the audience sometimes sympathize with her. Whether it’s her season-long attempt to empty her mother’s ashes or her pitifully unsuccessful track record with men, Tanya actually works on a dramatic level—and creator Mike White‘s teleplays help smoothly combine most of her more serious moments with nuggets of humor. Overall, Tanya’s greatest lines on the show are comedically rich, emotionally devastating, and sometimes both—showcasing the nuance to this quirky character better than all of her other wonderful dialogue.
10
“My own vaginal father?”
“Arrivals” (Season 1, Episode 1)
Ms. McQuoid is lying down as Belinda (Natasha Rothwell) sits behind her head. It’s their first session together, and Belinda has instructed Tanya to repeat after her. These soothing expressions are supposed to help Tanya relax, as they’re about “being born into this life,” but things get weird fast. Tanya is willing to say that she is her own “phallic mother,” so then Belinda says “I’m my own vaginal father.” Tanya opens her eyes, “My own vaginal father?”
This is one of those quotes where we can understand where Tanya is coming from here. Belinda is trying to open her client’s mind and separate the body from the soul, but such oxymoronic phrases as “phallic mother” and “vaginal father” still feel kind of random. The fact that Tanya phrases this as a question while Belinda continues as if there were no reluctance in her client’s voice makes it all the better. The camera cutting between separate close-ups of each woman emphasizes that they’re not quite on the same page yet, but the session will indeed wind up a great success.
9
“Is that the Queen of Sicily?”
“That’s Amore” (Season 2, Episode 5)
Tanya and Quentin (Tom Hollander) are at the opera. At the balcony next to theirs, a woman is sitting between two others. For some reason, Tanya is fixated on her, so she asks her new friend, “Hey! Who’s the lady? Is it the Queen of Sicily?” And after a beat, Quentin whispers back, “Yes.” Tanya is very excited by this, and even waves to her. The woman seems confused, but she waves back.
First of all, there is no Queen of Sicily. Second, the reason why Tanya singles this random person out as Italian royalty is beyond our comprehension. Third, this scene is twice as funny because of Quentin’s reply. He didn’t have to say yes, and his slight hesitation makes us wonder what he could be thinking of Tanya. Perhaps more than any other line, Ms. McQuoid’s question here encapsulates just how swept away she is by Quentin (a truly formidable liar) and his posse.
8
“Well, I was born in San Francisco…”
“In the Sandbox” (Season 2, Episode 4)
Tanya has been complimented on her appearance by a man named Quentin, and he is very charming. He invites her to drink with him, so she does; she even tells him that her husband left her alone in Sicily. He asks why her husband would do that, and Tanya says it’s a long story. Quentin’s in no rush, though: “Tell me everything. From the beginning.” Be careful what you wish for, Quentin, as Tanya has one long story to tell: “Well, I was born in San Francisco….”
Quentin’s caught off guard, but he’s still game: “Oh, from the very beginning. Okay.” The man expected to hear exclusively about her marital troubles, but Tanya thought it would somehow be relevant to go all the way back to her infancy. Fans of season one know that she only met her husband pretty recently in the grand scheme of things, so one can only imagine how she tells her life story in a way that feels relevant to the present context. Along with Quentin’s friendly patience, this makes for one of Tanya’s funniest moments.
7
“I want you to get them out of here!”
“The Lotus-Eaters” (Season 1, Episode 5)
Tanya gets very dramatic in season one’s penultimate episode, “The Lotus-Eaters.” Greg (Jon Gries) is in her room, but she is so insecure that she breaks down and tells him to leave the room. Going on about “the core of the onion” and about how she’s “a dead end” while holding the decadent box of her mother’s ashes, she actually tries to have Greg take them. Understandably, Greg doesn’t want her mother’s ashes, but Tanya insists that he “get them out of here!”
This is hilarious, trying to hand her dead mother’s ashes to a man she practically just met. When Greg asks what he’s supposed to do with them, she suggests he put them in the trunk of his car or even in the trash. As absurd as this is, though, it’s also very sad; Tanya has been trying to get rid of her mother’s ashes this whole season, and hasn’t been able to do so. This speech about being someone who can only hurt him shows Tanya’s deep insecurities and inability to let go of the past. Many of us can relate to that, and, as shown by the end of this scene, there’s hope for her still.
6
“Is Greg having an affair?”
“Arrivederci” (Season 2, Episode 7)
Tanya just shot all the guys who were plotting to execute her; it’s intense. The camera is focused on Tanya as she shoots her way through the yacht, much to their surprise. But in classic White Lotus fashion, Tanya imbues darkness with humor as only she can. Now that she has shot Quentin, and he’s injured on the floor, she asks him “Is Greg having an affair?” No response from Quentin, who has much more important issues.
Tanya tells him she knows that he knows, and the man still doesn’t answer. After all this, it’s surprising for Tanya to care about this when the stakes have gotten so much higher than her husband cheating on her. The man tried to have her killed for her money, for goodness’ sake. But this is Tanya, and her logic isn’t always on point. Along with those reaction shots of a dying Quentin, lines like this elevate The White Lotus‘ best episode above the others.
5
“I dreamt that I was on the top of this beautiful mountain range in Asia…and I had a cyanide pill….”
“New Day” (Season 1, Episode 2)
Tanya is such a character in the first episode of the series that some viewers might have already been wondering what somebody like her might dream about. Well, they got their answer the following week. She fell asleep during a spa session with Belinda (Natasha Rothwell), and had a dream that “I was on the top of this beautiful mountain range in Asia.” Belinda thinks that’s cool, but she’s baffled by Tanya’s next detail: “And I had a cyanide pill….”
Where did that pill come from? First we get the beautiful mountain ranges, and then the dream takes such a hard turn. Along with Belinda’s awkward silence, the fact that Coolidge is staring off in the distance as she delivers her lines, and the fact that Tanya almost kept going on about the dream, this is definitely one of Tanya’s funniest quotes. But it might also have some deeper psychological value; Tanya is currently staying at a luxury hotel but feels utterly alone, contrasting her setting with her current mindset.
4
“Do you know these gays?”
“Arrivederci” (Season 2, Episode 7)
Tanya’s in danger, trapped on a yacht with several gay men who plan to murder her. If only she could make a phone call, but she clumsily drops her phone into the sea (a nice bit of foreshadowing) and has to rely on less clandestine methods of escape. So she goes up to the captain of the yacht and asks if he speaks English. That would be a no, but since she doesn’t speak Italian, Tanya asks in a whisper “Do you know these gays? Do you know these gays?“
The way she points down at the lower level of the boat (as if that will help with the translation) is classic Tanya. Jennifer Coolidge manages to make Tanya look very justifiably stressed and yet keep the comedy as top-notch as ever. The conversation keeps the laughs going as the man tells her that he’s gay too, which makes her look at him as if his sexual identity automatically makes him someone who’s in on the plot. It’s no wonder she’s considered the best character of any White Lotus ensemble.
3
“It’s a good feeling when you realize that someone has money. ‘Cause then you don’t have to worry about them wanting yours.”
“That’s Amore” (Season 2, Episode 5)
Abandoned by her husband, Tanya has been able to find comfort in her new friends. But she’s much more relieved when she’s invited to their place and looks around, telling Portia (Haley Lu Richardson), “It’s a good feeling when you realize that someone has money. ‘Cause then you don’t have to worry about them wanting yours.” This is one of those times when her socio-economic status clearly shows, as Portia’s response shows that she can’t quite relate.
This is one of the best satirical quotes of the series, conveying the cynicism of people with so much money and their fear of losing it. Having so much wealth apparently puts people on guard, wondering what another person’s motives might be for being kind to them. But once it’s established they have lots of their own money, then they’re more trustworthy (even though they can still be greedy). This not only distills one kind of tension between classes; it also makes for great foreshadowing, as well as irony. Appearances aren’t everything, Tanya.
2
“And I was always a little doll, waiting for someone to play with me.”
“Abductions” (Season 2, Episode 6)
By now, Tanya has discovered that Jack (Leo Woodall) and Quentin probably aren’t related. Portia isn’t very suspicious, but her boss gives her a talk that is more wise and self-aware than one might typically expect: “You know, when I was a little girl, my mother used to dress me up like a little doll, and I was always a little doll, waiting for someone to play with me.” Fans of season one already know that Tanya had a complicated relationship with her mother, and this illuminates their relationship further.
The point that Tanya is getting at is that she was never encouraged to find her own path, never encouraged to be independent, saying how she had no direction and always felt lost. This is one of those excellent quotes from Tanya that isn’t even trying to be funny, focusing instead on her tragic upbringing and the traces of wisdom she’s accumulated from her empty life. It’s very sad, but it’s also very satisfying to see Tanya giving Portia some advice that’s worth hearing.
1
“She had to take me down!”
“Mysterious Monkeys” (Season 1, Episode 3)
There is so much to say about Tanya’s eulogy for her mother on the boat. It’s funny enough that Shane (Jake Lacy) and Rachel (Alexandra Daddario) are on the boat with her, despite being total strangers, and that Ms. McQuoid interrupts their romantic honeymoon dinner so she can dump her mother’s ashes in the sea. One might think this would be a loving tribute to a wonderful woman, but the way Tanya downs that glass of champagne before starting foretells otherwise.
The speech begins with Tanya saying that her mother loved the ocean, transitions into how her mother was a nymphomaniac with borderline personality disorder, and gets around to what might be the best part: “My mother told me I would never be a ballerina, and that was when I was skinny! Poor mother, she just couldn’t handle her jealousy. She had to take me down!” At this point, Coolidge’s powerful delivery makes it seem like she’s describing an arch-nemesis. It’s hysterical, it’s painfully awkward to watch, and it’s enough to make you cry. Revealing better than anything the essence of Tanya, this quote conveys a masterful whirlwind of emotions from a legendary installment in the series.
